Hello there! I wanted to share here something I wrote on my art blog earlier today.
I am alive.
I want to say sorry for not posting any art for a long time. I haven’t felt well for a long, long, long time.
I worked hard for this one animation project I made for school. I started making it in January and I worked for three months without any breaks. I didn’t allow myself to draw any other stuff because I didn’t want to waste any time. I only doodled something at school when I had some time and sometimes I played piano to feel better.
After three months the deadline was getting closer and closer and I managed to finish the animation project. But I had a problem….
I hated this animation. A lot.
I ended up showing only a few little parts from the animation in front of my class. Just because I hated it too much. I felt like I wasted three months of my life by sitting inside my room and that made me feel more than awful. My classmates told that the animation was amazing and they liked it and my teacher would have wanted to see more but I just couldn’t show any more because I hated the animation so much.
I didn’t want to think about it for a while and I wanted to have a little break. I came out from my room and sat in a livingroom with my family.
I didn’t want to draw for a while because I was so sick of holding a pen and sitting in front of my computer, so I just played piano.
Then I finally wanted to draw again but I couldn’t do that. Everything looked so awful and I hated everything I made. I tried again, again, again, again… but I always ended up hating my art and myself even more.
My self-esteem has never been the best one in the world and now I feel like I’ve completely lost it and I’ve ended up thinking that I can’t draw anymore. And that I have never could.
I keep trying drawing all the time but I always start crying too easily because I’m too frustrated.
I know I can draw but at the same time I feel like I can’t. I have always dreamed of becoming some kind of artist, drawing comics or other stuff like that but now I feel like it will be only a stupid dream. I’m afraid that I’m never becoming anything I always wanted to be. Sometimes I dream of becoming a musician and something big but I have the same problem I have with drawing: I feel like I’m not good enough and I will never be noticed.
I’m afraid that maybe I have to plan my future again. Maybe this isn’t my thing and I have to find something that is really for me. Or then I just should become a taxi driver, hahaha…
I want to be noticed, motivate people and make them happy and smile. I really want to do that but maybe the art isn’t the right way…
I want to draw and I really want to improve but I don’t have any motivation for that.
I’ve started hating drawing because I can’t move anywhere. But I still love it and I have loved it since I was little because art allows me to create a new world and new thoughts.
Drawing what I see inside my head helps people to understand me more.
But I don’t upload my art anywhere anymore even though I really want to. I’m just too scared because I think that people think that I’m stupid when I draw something I feel or see.
I’m afraid that I’ve started hating something I love. Drawing is important to me and I don’t want to give up with it. I need help.
I will try to do my best and draw as much as possible.
Thank you for readig!!